


What the mind forgets, the heart desires

by StarsMadeinHeaven



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Inception-y, M/M, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 09:13:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13701408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarsMadeinHeaven/pseuds/StarsMadeinHeaven
Summary: John Kallenberg doesn’t like his name. Other than that, he is pretty content with his life. He goes to college, lives with his ma and repeats his boring routing day in, day out. It’s only when he meets a boy named Eren that he finally feels alive, and realizes that things are not exactly what they look like…





	What the mind forgets, the heart desires

Hi.

My name is John.

(He inhales smoke)

Hi.

(He exhales smoke, a puff of grey air that twirls up to the ceiling)

My name is John Kallenberg. 

Shit. It could be John Watson, for all I care. It doesn’t seem right either way.

“Why I am fucking talking to myself?” John curses out loud and massages his eyes with his fingertips, careful of the cig dangling between the index and middle finger of his right hand. If his mother finds out he is smoking again, she is going to kill him. He should open a window and let some fresh air in, use a deodorizing spray to cover up the stench… he has no power to do so.

He is lying on his bed and stares at the white ceiling above him. He needs the smoke to think, or better yet, he needs the smoke to stop thinking. He imagines clouds on the plaster, a blue sky, he would bet his life he can hear the rustle of branches moving in the wind, as if he were in a forest. His heart is galloping in his chest. He feels as if he should run and hide. Fuck. It’s been a while since he last had thoughts like this.

John doesn’t like his name. He tries changing it.

Hi.

My name is Nolan.

Fuck it.

Hi.

My name is Paul.

Boring.

Hi.

My name is…

“John? Are you smoking again? I told you it’s going to kill you some day!”

“I am not smoking, ma!” he shouts shooting up from his bed. He grabs a plastic cup half filled with stinky water from under his desk and puts the cigarette out. He shoves the cup back under the desk again, although he knows that his mother’s going to see it anyway, and puts some pants on. He checks his light brown hair shaved into an undercut in the mirror and grins. 

“You don’t look like a John to me,” he says to himself, grabs his worn out college bag and heads out. He ignores the yammering his mother throws his way, kisses her on the cheek to make her stop. She melts. 

“Fine. You better quit smoking, though,” she says.

“Sure thing,” he lies and walks out of the door. 

He is going to college, he studies creative media; he can’t even afford a bed on campus, so he just keeps living with his mother for the time being. Bullshit. He could apply for a student loan. He keeps living with his mother because he feels he needs to stand by her side. He wants to live on his own, though. He wants a lot of things. 

Be somewhere else is the first on his list. He checks the tall buildings surrounding him, someone honks, John swears and crosses the road anyway. The city is huge, bursting with life, the sky is blue… it’s fine, his courses are fine, his mother is fine, complains a lot, but she is a fine mother. He is a good son. He believes to be a good son. He hasn’t been good to his mother for a long time; he is trying his best to make up for it. He believes to be a good man, a good college student. He is trying to find a part-time job to scrape enough money to live on his own, without burdening his family. He has applied to a lot of positions, but couldn’t keep the job for more than a couple of months. He doesn’t know why. He feels he doesn’t belong here. 

Coffee comes second. Coffee and cigarettes, as if these could make his life a little bit more bearable. Still. He has everything he needs. A house, a family… He is good-looking, or at least he is sure he is good looking. He’s had a couple of girlfriends. They ended up leaving him after a while. Or did they? Maybe he dumps them in the end. He hopes he is a good boyfriend, caring, loyal, he is. He is caring and loyal, but he is not there. Not there.

“Watch where you are going, motherfucker!” someone shouts screeching to a halt right next to him. John shows them his middle finger and makes a bee line to the first coffeehouse he sees. He needs coffee. 

The bell chimes as he opens the door, and he sighs annoyed as soon as he sees the long line waiting in front of him. He might miss a couple of lessons, no big deal, so he waits patiently. There are a lot of people but it’s okay, he can deal with this, he tells himself. He wishes he could light a cigarette while he waits. He manages not to until there is only one boy standing in front of him and then he starts twitching with annoyance. 

John can only see the back of the boy’s head and he is starting to become very acquainted with the other’s black hair, until he gives up counting the minutes passing by. The boy, who must be around John’s age, if not a year younger, is still thinking over his order. He doesn’t remember what his friend wanted. He has it written somewhere, wait. Sorry, did I say iced cinnamon latte? Scratch that, just an iced vanilla one. 

“We don’t have all day, you idiot!” John flashes his teeth and the boy finally turns to look at him, his green eyes burning with anger. “There are other people standing in line, jackass. Just get this over with”.

“I am almost done, shithead,” the boy answers back. John stares at him, taps his foot on the ground, he craves for a cigarette.

“The fuck. If you don’t remember what you should order, step away and let someone else order first”.

“Sir, please don’t fight in here,” says a petite girl standing on the other side of the counter. John lets out a puff of air and shoves the boy to the side, ignores the loud complaints barked his way. 

“A double shot and an iced vanilla latte, wasn’t that what you wanted?” he asks turning to look at the boy, who stares right back at him as if John has slapped him in the face.

“Well?” he prompts.

“Yes,” the boy answers, “and a macchiato”.

“Good lord, it wasn’t that difficult!” John exclaims sarcastically as the girl takes his orders. The two wait for their coffee in silence. 

At least, John does. 

The other just can’t let it go.

“You didn’t need to order for me,” the boy says. 

“I didn’t say I was going to pay for it too,” says John. “It’s fifteen dollars twenty”.

“What the hell?” shouts the boy. “Why should I pay for your drink as well?”

John smirks and reaches out his hand, waiting for the money. If looks could kill, John would be dead by now. Still, he never felt more alive. It’s a good way as any to start the day. The boy stares at him, piercing his very soul with his eyes. Customers come and go, the air is impregnated with the coffee’s sweet aroma, students are chattering all around. The bell chimes once more. 

“Eren!” someone cries, before the boy can spit out something insulting at John. The girl behind the counter is still waiting to be paid. Eren reaches out and pushes a twenty dollar bill in her waiting hands. Keep the change, he says. John grabs his coffee and takes a careful sip as a woman— no, man with funny looking blond hair reaches them. John stares at him up and down, he likes him. 

“What took you so long?” Eren’s friend asks. The black haired boy, named Eren, gives his friend his latte and shots a murderous look at John. 

“Don’t look at me like that, you were the one taking his sweet time ordering,” comments John. 

“You are a douchebag, you know,” Eren says. 

“The name’s Jean,” he replies ready to take another sip from his paper cup, and his hand stops in mid-air. He frowns, he is not sure why, but in that moment he knows, he knows Jean is better than John. 

“Pleased to meet you, Jean,” says the blond boy stretching his free hand to him with a shy smile. John –no, Jean shakes it. “I didn’t know Eren has other friends in town”.

“He is not my friend!” exclaims Eren just as Jean breaks down laughing and says:

“Figures you had none”.

“I’m Armin,” the other introduces himself. 

Jean takes a sip of his coffee as Eren starts explaining to Armin that the douchebag is not his friend, they just happened to meet right now, and no, Armin has misunderstood. He didn’t pay for his drink willingly. Jean watches Eren sputtering nonsense and it feels familiar. It feels good. The coffee feels good. 

“Don’t mind him,” Armin says as the three of them step out of the coffeehouse with their drinks in hand. “He is not really angry, he just looks like it”.

Jean follows them and he is surprised they are heading towards the same direction. 

“Are you a stalker or something? Piss off,” Eren says. 

“I am going to college, you fart,” Jean says. 

“Oh, what are you studying?” Armin asks politely. “We are history students” he explains motioning at himself and Eren with his hand, and Jean laughs. 

“You don’t look like the history type,” he says directed to Eren.

“We don’t know each other”. 

Armin looks between the both of them and looks surprised, but Jean doesn’t know why. He feels like talking. He tells them he studies creative media. 

“What exactly do you want to do?” Armin asks. He is so cute and good-mannered, and John thinks his mother would like him too.

“I didn’t think about it that well,” he admits, “I just want to draw and maybe design some video games in the long run”.

“Video games,” Eren repeats, trying to sound sarcastic, but John (Jean? Hi. My name is Jean sounds good) believes he is just pretending to be annoyed with him. Armin looks impressed, and Jean tells them to have a good day, walks in the other direction and when he is far away enough, turns around and thanks Eren for the coffee. He snickers as Eren starts insulting him. 

* * *

He meets Eren again some days later. Not in the same coffeehouse they met the first time, but somewhere on campus. Jean is lying on the grass, his half-eaten sandwich forgotten in his college bag, and looks up at the sky. He swears he can hear the rustling of branches, but there are no trees in sight. There is just a rusty bench next to him, a fountain somewhere in the distance, and maybe some bushes all around the park he decided to have lunch in, but no trees. Yet he swears he can hear it, and if he closes his eyes, he can see an arm reaching out for him. It’s huge and deformed, and he wants to run and hide. Run. 

He immediately reaches for his bag and takes his pack of cigs out. He lights one with trembling fingers and inhales. For the first time since he stared smoking, he thinks it’s disgusting. When did he start smoking again? He doesn’t remember. 

His heart is galloping in his chest. 

“Hey, jackass!” someone shouts and Jean looks up to Eren towering above him. He has a sense of déjà vu. He smirks as he puts the cigarette back between his lips. 

“Hey,” he salutes mockingly.

“You still owe me some money,” Eren says and sits right next to him, tossing his bag on Jean’s stomach. Jean almost swallows his own cigarette.

“Watch it, maniac,” he admonishes and stands on a sitting position coughing loudly. 

“Put that thing out. It’s sickening”.

Jean just exhales some smoke right in Eren’s face, and the other gags. He grabs the cigarette violently away from Jean’s fingers and puts it out by stomping on it. 

“Real smooth,” Jean says and glares when Eren slaps his hand as he reaches for his pack of cigarettes. He gives up. “Where’s your cute friend?”

Eren becomes ten shades of red at his question and his eyes widen up comically. 

“I don’t even know why I-!” he starts and almost punches Jean in the face when the taller boy bursts out laughing. 

“Don’t complain. You were the one who decided it was alright to sit next to me”. 

Eren snorts, but he doesn’t move to go away. 

“I’ve never seen you here,” Jean says at some point, and Eren looks at him.

“I’ve never seen you here, and I live on campus,” he says. “I sure would remember you”

“Am I that handsome?” Jean teases. 

“No, it’s just impossible to forget meeting a man with a horse’s face”.

Jean snorts. He feels more amused than angry when Eren straightens his back as if he has said the wittiest thing. 

“I can’t afford to live here and I am not in the mood to apply for a student loan and try to get out of debt afterwards,” Jean says. 

“Which means you are just living comfortably under a bridge?” Eren mocks him. 

“No, with my ma,” Jean replies a little bit embarrassed for speaking the truth. 

“Oh,” Eren breaths. Jean blushes but manages to hide it by leaning over Eren’s backpack to get to his own. His fingers curl around his pack of cigarettes but he doesn’t take one out. 

“Come on, mock me,” Jean dares him, but when he turns around, he sees that Eren is looking away. His face is completely devoid of emotion, but his green eyes talk… Jean furrows his eyebrows. Those eyes speak to him in a way he never thought was possible. 

“No, I’m not-!” Eren starts, angrily. Jean has met him just a couple of times but he already knows this is his way of speaking, of moving, of expressing himself. Eren is a fire and anger, and Jean can’t help thinking that, yes. This is what he was waiting for, for someone like Eren to come and find him. 

“I wish I could do the same,” Eren admits finally. “See, the dorms suck”.

“Well, you are welcome to live with my ma if you want,” Jean says snickering and slips the pack of cigarettes back in their place, back in the college bag. He takes out his half-eaten sandwich and offers it to Eren. “You want?”

“Disgusting,” Eren comments and Jean laughs again. 

“I used to know a girl, who wouldn’t have passed this chance for anything in the world,” Jeans says, not really recording what he said. He stares at the sandwich and takes a bite, as if the taste of ham and cheese will help him remember the girl’s name. It doesn’t. He just has a vague feeling of knowing a girl like this, but he can’t recall her face. Did she exist? Or is he just talking just for the sake of it? 

“Is that all you have for lunch?” Eren asks. 

Jean doesn’t answer.

“So where’s your cute friend, anyway?” he asks instead. 

“Are you talking about Armin?” Eren asks snorting. “Stop calling him cute, it makes my hair stand on edge”. 

“Yeah, Armin…”

“He’s in the library studying. We have a report to write”.

“And why aren’t you with him? Do you like to procrastinate with me that much?” Jean teases him, and feels the corner of his lips turn upwards when Eren blushes and makes to sit up.

“I was on my way there,” he says and walks away. “See you around, horseface”.

“Yeah, hopefully not,” responds Jean and finishes his sandwich. He is sure he is not going to see Eren again, they are taking different courses after all, they don’t even have each other’s phone number, and it’s not like Jean wants it. As a matter of fact, Jean will probably forget him in a couple of days. 

Except… he doesn’t, because Eren is always there. 

In the beginning, they don’t even say good morning to each other, as if they are living parallel lives, but they do exchange some words in the long run. At first they are just insults, which turn into greetings, an acknowledgement of sort. When they say “fucker” they mean “hey, I am here!” and it’s strange to have this kind of mutual understanding so soon and so clearly. Armin always asks him how he is. Jean is courteous with him, not so much with Eren. Seeing Eren is exciting, and the other boy must agree with him, as if seeing Jean were a fine distraction to this boring, college life, and then those words, and those insults, and those hey, I am here, become real discussions, real taunting, real conversations…

* * *

Jean is a lazy boy, his mother says. Nevertheless, she always did everything for him, so Jean blames her for that. He likes comfort. He likes to be safe and sound. All that talking about being with her just because he can’t afford a bed on campus, or because he doesn’t want to be indebted later, is just bullshit. He knows, his mother knows. He is ashamed of his talkative mother, but at the same time he needs her there. 

Feeling safe and sound is nice. He longs for that feeling, because during the night, when he is fast asleep in his bed, he dreams of running, running far far far away, and of fear, as if fear were a real monster, something that you can touch, something that can trap you in its clutches. In his dreams he is terrified of losing his life, of being devoured by fear, but what scares him even more is that, in his dreams, he is much more terrified of losing someone else. That petrifies him. He doesn’t see a face, and more often than not he forgets all about his nightmares the morning after. 

The day he goes on with his daily, boring, boring routine. His mother sometimes comments on wasted potential. Jean doesn’t think he has something to offer hidden well within him.

Until he meets Eren. The crazy boy. 

And something just snaps, stretches its arms up above its head and cracks its knuckles. Right. You live on campus? I want to live on campus too. You study hard to get your grade? I am going to graduate faster than you. You think you are witty? I am going to be wittier than you. You think you can’t do it? 

I am going to do it for you.

* * *

“I met a boy some time ago,” Jean admits to Mark, his college friend, sometime in the middle of their project together. They have to collect as many advertisements as possible and find patterns in order to grasp the idea behind them, see what works in the market and what not. It is Mark’s idea and Jean calls it an easy A, so they decide to go for it.

They sit in the middle of Mark’s room, surrounded by newspapers, magazines and package leaflets. Mark has a whole apartment for himself, but Jean never has the guts to ask him if he has room for one more. The freckled boy, with that black, neatly parted hair and that sweet smile would definitely say yes, but Jean feels it would be wrong, like stepping in a lion’s den, although there is nothing dangerous in Mark. He is a good guy.

Nevertheless it’s like Mark is supposed to live there, and Jean is supposed to live with his mother. It’s weird phrasing it like this, but there is no other way to describe the feeling. They belong to two different words, and Jean is not ready to step in Mark’s. 

“Yeah?” Mark says, always kind even when he is not really interested in Jean’s new acquaintance. “What is he like, John?”

Jean looks at him weirdly, before he realizes that he hasn’t told Mark about his dislike for his name yet. He pretends it’s all right to call him John.

“He’s a pain in the ass,” he admits in the end. “Yet, he is kind of intriguing. I can’t really put my finger on it”.

“Do you like him?” Mark asks. John gapes.

“No way. I don’t even know why I bother, really”.

“Well, you did say he is intriguing,” Mark says laughing. 

“He is a history student,” Jean says. “That’s already a sign that we can’t be friends”.

“Why not? We are friends, and there are a lot of things we don’t have in common”.

“Seriously, Mark? Do you really want to lower yourself to his level?” Jean asks. “He has nothing on you. He is just a jerk, he is always angry at something or someone, and he does say I have the face of a horse!”

“Well, you do resemble one when you scorn,” Mark teases him and perfectly mimes Jean’s face when he is angry.

“Shut up, Mark” Jean says. “Look, this ad looks interesting,” he changes subject when his eyes fall on one of the pictures in front of him.

“We should definitely use it,” Mark says leaning over to see what Jean is pointing at. “Are you going to introduce me to him?”

“We will see him around” Jean says shrugging nonchalantly, and smiles when Mark smiles. 

* * *

One day Jean is in the library all on his own. He is searching for a book, but he has forgotten the title. The author’s name was too long, so he just noted his initials, which turns out to be a very bad move from his part. No one knows who U.J.S. is, and Jean has forgotten if it was indeed a U or a Y. Anyway, it’s not helping, so he gives up.

In the library, he can’t smoke, but he can sit down at one of the tables and pretend to be reading. He needs some time alone. He hasn’t slept that well, and he needs to calm himself down before Mark comes in search of him. 

He can’t remember his dreams. He vaguely recalls someone screaming his name, a blue sky, the rustling of branches. Someone is telling him they should test out a potion. He told his mother not to cook anything heavy for dinner, that’s why he has nightmares now. 

Hi.

My name is Jean Kallenberg. Fuck it. Kallenberg, why Kallenberg? J.K. Just like his book’s author, Jean too should just go by his initials. J.K. Jean K. What does the K stand for?

“Hey, idiot. The library is for studying, you know?” 

Jean looks up and sees Eren with a book under his armpit staring down at him. 

“Oh, wonder boy, you know how to read?”

“Very funny”. 

“Why do you even bother with history?” Jean asks when Eren sits down in front of him. “The past is the past, there’s no way of changing it”.

“History is not just that, asshole,” Eren says rolling his eyes to the ceiling. “It’s like, solving a mystery, you know what I mean? Like, I search for some kind of causality between the past and the present to give meaning to what’s happening today,” Eren says stuttering. He looks embarrassed to have spoken in such a way, so Jean doesn’t call him on it. “I always feel like there is something I need to figure out”.

“Good luck with that,” Jean says and stretches his arms above his head. Eren watches him.

“So are you going to solve your mystery or not?” Jean asks. 

“I ain’t solving mysteries, I just need to hand my report tomorrow and I still haven’t written shit”. 

Jean bursts out laughing and some students shush him. 

“You need help?” Jean asks reaching out for the book that Eren has put on the table. Eren slaps his hand away.

“I don’t need help, especially not from you”.

“Sure thing, you do,” Jean says. “A head is better than none”.

“Are you saying I am brainless? Is that it?” Eren whispers angrily.

“You said it, not me”.

Jean’s eyes scroll over the first page and stares at the picture of a big key on the bottom. It looks familiar, and he touches it with his fingertips, aware that it’s nothing but ink on paper. Still, he is shocked when he doesn’t feel metal.

“So, where should we start from?” Jean asks looking up at Eren, who is staring at him, his face unreadable. A big line between his eyebrows is the only indication of the boy’s real feelings. 

“Why do I have a feeling we already met?” Eren asks. He is confused, and Jean is confused too. 

“Do you suffer from amnesia?” Jean asks. “Should I put that on the list of things awfully wrong with you too, Eren Jaeger?”

“I’ve never told you my surname,” Eren just says and Jean rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

“’course you did” Jean says and stands up. “Come on, let’s start searching for… whatever you need to look for… before the rest of the students bite our asses from being too loud”.

“You sure are a talker,” Eren says rolling his eyes to the ceiling but he does follow him in that labyrinth of books that is the library, and Jean does his best to help him out. He doesn’t mind the insults, the teasing, and he definitely doesn’t care when Eren punches him on the arm because Jean dares to compliment his poor organizational skills. He retaliates. They end up wrestling on the floor. The students come and try to separate them. At some point Armin is there, and he manages to talk it out with the librarian.

Jean and Eren are not banned from the library.

They have everything they need, anyway, so it might be a while before the two of them ever step in that place again.

* * *

“I have lost my mother,” Eren tells him one day. Jean doesn’t know how to react to that confession. Eren remains silent.

“I would give you mine, if I could,” Jean says in the end, and Eren frowns.

“Stop being an asshole, and just treat her better,” he says. “Mothers don’t deserve to be treated badly, not if they cherish their kids so much they are willing to die for them”.

Jean thinks he has heard this already, but he can’t remember when. It doesn’t matter, though, because he is much more preoccupied with suppressing the urge to lean down and hug Eren close to his chest. 

* * *

Jean looks out of the window and blinks. The building in front of his apartment is crumbling down. The noise is deafening, but people walk by as if nothing is happening. Jean is paralyzed with horror, but at the same time he is not. Dust comes into his window like a tidal wave. Time stops. Next time he blinks, the building is in front of him again.

Intact.

He can’t stop thinking about it all day, but when he wakes up next morning, the building is not there anymore and Jean doesn’t even remember there was a building there in the first place. 

* * *

Since Jean met Eren, he is having weird dreams. That comes out wrong, but it’s true.

There is a Titan. In his dreams he knows that’s how it’s called. A big, deformed arm is reaching out for him. He wakes up.

There is a Titan. That’s definitely a titan. A big, deformed arm is reaching out… someone is calling his name. It’s a girl. No, a beautiful woman. That titan is not reaching out for him. It’s reaching out for someone else. He wakes up.

The woman has beautiful short hair. She has a red scarf around her neck and she is holding something. Are they swords? Jean is not sure. Might as well be swords or sword-looking guns. In his dreams he knows she is called Mikasa. The arm is reaching out for someone, a dark haired man, an exhausted man, a man who has lost all of his stamina… a man who can’t regenerate, a man Jean has put all of his hopes on, a man, a man, a man.

“Eren!” he shouts, but Eren can’t hear him. He is going to get eaten.

“Jean!”

He wakes up.

“Mark, do you think I am going crazy with these recurring dreams?” Jean asks after he’s done recounting his last one. Mark looks doubtful for a moment and looks up at the bright sky above them. It’s a nice day to go out, but it’s so hot, Jean is craving for an ice-cream. Where is an ice-cream parlor when you need one?

“I don’t think so,” Mark says. He is so sweet and reassuring that Jean can’t help thinking he is glad to have a friend like him. “You must be tired”.

“How can I be tired if I’m sleeping like a log?” Jean asks.

“Stressed then,” Mark says. 

Jean shrugs, he mutters a ‘maybe’, and keeps walking. He usually tells Mark everything, but this time he is holding something back, because not all his dreams revolve around Eren and that woman named Mikasa.

One night he sees a corpse. 

It’s Mark, half-alive half-burned, and he is staring at him with an expressionless eye. The wall behind him is smeared with blood. 

Jean wakes up screaming so loudly that his mother barges in his room in an instant. She holds him close but Jean can’t stop crying. It’s been a long time since he cried, or at least that’s what he thinks, because he feels like he has never cried in the past oh-so years. Jean craves for a cigarette but his mother is holding him so tightly he can’t reach out for one. 

“Hey, John,” Mark says and points at someone in front of him. “Isn’t that Eren?”

Jean looks up, he doesn’t remember when Mark has met Eren, but he is indeed right. Jean recognizes him and feels relieved for some reason. Eren is walking around with Armin, he is talking while the other just nods along. Jean calls him, and Eren waves back.

“You remember Mark,” Jean says when the four of them meet half way. Eren looks up at the freckled boy next to Jean, and although his eyes are expressionless, there is something in his whole demeanor that reeks with fear. 

“Yes, of course,” Eren says, and his voice is normal, calm, as if Jean has only imagined the slight tremble of his hands. “How can you stand him?” he asks Mark and Mark just laughs.

“For your information, I am an awesome friend,” Jean spats.

“Jean is indeed a good friend,” Mark says, and if Jean jumps at the sound of his name instead of the usual ‘John’, no one notices. Jean too forgets it immediately after. 

“We were heading to the arcade,” Armin says. “Wanna join?”

“Sure!” Mark exclaims and starts chattering with the blond boy as if they were long lost friends. Eren and Jean tag along, and if they walk a little slower, Mark and Armin do not complain.

“Why did you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” Jean asks.

“When?” Eren looks at him, dumbfounded.

“Before, with Mark”.

“I did not,” Eren defends himself and he sounds sincere. “Hey, I bet I can win you on all the games in the arcade,” he says with a grin after a moment of thought. 

“You, shorty? You have in front of you the best gamer in the whole world”.

“Sure you are. I can picture it. You, all alone in your room, playing with your console all day long. Your hand must be tired”.

“I’m flattered. So you do fantasize about me and what my hand can do”.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I bet you’ll run out of stamina on the very first round”.

“Yeah? Well, we will see”. 

Eren smirks, and Jean can’t help the smile growing widely on his face. 

They start running like two kids that have heard the ice cream truck’s song; they bypass Armin and Mark, who stare at them as if they have gone crazy. The two try to beat each other out in all the games they can put their hands on. They hate the long line that has formed in front of the Ikari Warriors game. They even make a fuss over Pong. People start cheering. Some girls gather around Jean and coo him, forgetting all about their boyfriends, who have brought them there for their second date together. Eren looks completely pissed off, and if Jean leans a little closer to one of the girls and lets her pet his hair just to see Eren shot her a murderous look, he won’t admit it out loud.

When Mark and Armin finally take up some courage and join them, Jean lets Eren win a couple of times, just because he has teamed up with Armin. 

When they go back home, Mark tells him it was fun, and Jean beams and feels his heart warm up. 

* * *

The deadline for their project together is just around the corner, and Jean is panicking. He shoves all ads inside his college bag, knocks over his desk and hits his foot on the chair. Mark is waiting for him on campus, and Jean is so fucking late it’s ridiculous. He kisses his mother goodbye and heads out running. The cars honk at him, he doesn’t wait for the light to turn green. 

“Jean! Jean!” Someone shouts and Jean turns around, sees Eren running to him. Another car honks.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, or maybe he just thinks it, because his mouth doesn’t move.

“Jean, this is a dream!” Eren shouts waving his hands like a maniac. “For fuck’s sake! Nothing here is real! You have to wake up!”

Jean doesn’t understand, a car doesn’t stop at the red light, and the last thing Jean sees is Eren’s panicked eyes staring at him. 

Or maybe not?

Jean opens his eyes a little bit. His heart is galloping in his chest. Breathing is hard. There is a hand on his chest, but everything is too blurry to see whom it belongs to.

“Is he awake?” someone asks. Brown, reddish hair, that’s much is certain. 

“Jean?” Mikasa leans down to look at him in the eye.

Mikasa, yes. You are Mikasa.

Jean turns his head and sees a body lying next to his. The other boy is breathing normally. 

Eren? 

“Jean?” Mikasa asks again, but Jean passes out once more.

 

*

Hi.

My name is Jean Kirschstein.

Yes. That’s it.

Took me long enough.

*

 

“Jean, are you alright?” Mark asks as soon as Jean arrives on campus. He is disheveled, he knows that much, and Jeans checks his college bag just to make sure he has everything they need for their presentation.

“Yes, Marco, what’s wrong?” Jean asks looking up. 

“Marco? Is that my new nickname?” Mark smirks, and Jean furrows his eyebrows. He looks around him and everything seems normal. 

“Are you ready? Easy A, remember?” Mark asks. Jean’s head is heavy. 

“Yes,” he says, he does remember that. But when did he fucking arrive on campus? Wasn’t he crossing the road just a moment before? Eren…

“Eren!” he exclaims.

“Your boyfriend again?”

“He is not my boyfriend, idiot,” Jean says annoyed. He looks around and searches for the other boy, but does not see him. “I thought he called me”.

“What are you talking about?” Mark asks and pulls him from the sleeve. “Come on! We are already late as it is!”

“Yes,” Jean says. 

This is just a dream, he thinks. This is just a dream. Am I dreaming? Am I? 

Am I?

When he goes back home later that evening, Jean is completely exhausted, as if he has run a marathon or something equally strenuous. He is fantasizing about his own bed and clicks his tongue, annoyed, when he sees Eren, of all people, curled up against the wall of his building. He looks like a hobo, but that makes Jean feel even angrier. He doesn’t know why, but he thinks Eren doesn’t belong here. He shouldn’t be here. He should be-

When Eren notices him approaching, he shoots up on his feet and observes him with widened eyes. Jean’s anger dissipates in an instant, and in that moments he fears something is awfully wrong, his fingers twitch for something that should have been hanging on his waist (weird) and moves faster.

“I thought I lost you again,” Eren whispers, and Jean knows he is not supposed to see him like this. Eren didn’t mean to say it out loud, but he did, and Jean heard it and now he is staring at him as if he has grown a second head. 

“What?”

“You disappeared, Jean!” Eren says irritated, grabs his hair and groans from anger. “Fuck, I thought you were done for! That you died once and for all! If I had remembered sooner… how the fuck did I forget who I was?” 

“You are not making any sense, Eren,” Jean says and grabs the other boy by the shoulders.

“You seriously forgot?” Eren asks him. “Did you really forget who you are?”

“Eren,” Jean calls him as if he is crazy in the mind. “Should I take you somewhere? Should I go find Armin?”

“Armin?” Eren asks furrowing his eyebrows. “Snap out of it, Jean! This is not real”

Jean stares at him and Eren stares at him right back. The shorter boy groans loudly once more and grabs Jean by the front of his shirt, as if he wants to punch him in the face, or worse. Jean knows he won’t stop him if he tries. He needs a cigarette. 

“This world,” Eren says, “it’s just in your head. Are you that dumb? Can’t you tell fake from real?”

“Eren, I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about!” Jean exclaims and Eren finally sees the panic in the other’s eyes. He lets Jean go as if burned. 

“Where did you go after that thing hit you?” Eren asks, strangely calm. His fists curl up into fists, and Jean bites his lips because this is so familiar, this is so confusing, and he wants to sleep forever.

“The car?” he asks tentatively.

“Yes, whatever,” Eren says, annoyed.

“I-!” Jean starts. He is ready to tell him about his day at college and his easy A, but stops again, feeling that it would just be a big lie. “Let’s go to your dorm?”

“My dorm,” Eren says and it’s not a question. 

“Back in my apartment, then,” Jean says indicating the building behind him with his chin. “It’s closer”.

“Your apartment,” Eren repeats.

“Are you a parrot, or something?” Jean snaps. 

“You are insufferable!” Eren exclaims.

“Well, I am trying to communicate with an idiot, and people are watching us ready to punch each other in the middle of the street, so don’t blame me for wanting to get out of here”.

“Fine!” Eren exclaims and turns around. Jean rolls his eyes and opens the front door. 

They climb up the stairs together completely in silence. His mother is not home, so Jean doesn’t care if he messes her neatly covered sofa and drops the college bag on it. He makes a bee line to his room. Eren is right behind him and closes the door, while Jean drops on his bed with an exasperated sigh.

“Ok,” Jean says because he doesn’t know what else to say. 

“I hate you,” Eren says because he too doesn’t know what to say. 

“Glad we talked it out” Jean says sarcastically and reaches out for his cigarette pack. 

“Don’t try smoking in front of me, or I’ll kill you!” Eren exclaims.

“I remember you saying you were afraid I was dead,” Jean snickers. “I’m sure you went all suicidal to the thought I was lost forever,” he teases him. “So, yeah, I can’t believe that you actually want to kill me”.

“Don’t bet on it,” Eren says, grabs the pack and throws it away on the other side of the room. He drops on the bed right next to Jean and they remain lying side by side for a couple of minutes. Jean is so exhausted, he doesn’t argue with that.

“So”.

“Jean, you disappeared”.

“I don’t know,” Jean says. “I might have passed out a moment. I was-!”

“You disappeared!” Eren exclaims. 

“No, no, listen,” Jean says and stares at the ceiling furrowing his eyebrows. “I saw you lying next to me, just like now”.

“What?” Eren exclaims. 

“You were sleeping”.

“I hope you are not kidding”.

“There was a woman… no, two”.

“Hange?”

“What’s that?” Jean asks and moves his head to face Eren. Their noses are so close he can feel the other’s skin on his. 

“Just continue”.

“There was a woman with a scarf around her neck,” Jean admits. 

“Mikasa”.

“Yes, Mikasa,” Jean says. “How do you know her name?”

“Jean, that is what I am trying to tell you,” Eren says standing up in a sitting position. “I don’t know exactly what happened. I drank the potion way later than you. You’ve been here much longer and forgot everything. I was going to forget everything too, but, this morning, I bumped my head on-!”

“You bumped your head?” Jean asks laughing and Eren shots him a murderous look.

“Shut up, Jean”.

“Continue,” Jean says waving nonchalantly in front of him.

“I remembered everything. I wanted to warn you,” Eren says, “but you are so dumb you don’t see what’s right in front of you”.

“I see your sexy back,” Jean says bluntly.

“This is not funny, Jean,” Eren says and kicks his leg.

“Fuck you, Eren,” Jean says. “What I am supposed to say? I don’t get what you are trying to tell me”.

“I am to tell you you are Jean Kirschstein, graduate of the 104th Training Cops, who wanted to be part of the Military Police Brigade because he is such an ass that wants to do nothing more in his life than eat and sleep”.

“I didn’t-!” Jean tries to counterattack, but Eren interrupts him.

“You have –had, I don’t know- a crush on Mikasa. We used –still do fight each other a lot, but we are a good duo when we have to take on the titans. You remember how angry you were when I almost got eaten that last time? Do you remember why you drank that stupid experiment Hange called a potion in the first place?”

Jean has a headache. Too much information, too many words thrown his way, and he can’t make sense of any of it. Nevertheless he somehow knows Eren is right. 

You called me Kirschstein, he wants to say, but ends up staring at Eren in silence, and the black haired boy is so angry at him he doesn’t perceive the change in Jean’s attitude. When Jean grabs the other’s arm and pulls him into his embrace, Eren is so stunned he fails to head-butt him. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Eren screams but Jean just curls up against Eren’s back and remains silent. Eren stops squirming but tries to turn around so he can face Jean better.

“What are you doing?” he asks, calmer this time, and Jean shushes him.

“I am trying to think”. 

“Don’t overexert yourself”.

“You do realize that what you told me makes no fucking sense?”

“This world makes no fucking sense,” Eren snaps back. “I am happy you are alive, but this is getting ridiculous”.

Jean snickers.

“You would cry a river if I died, admit it”.

“Yes, I would, if someone got to you before me,” Eren frowns. Jean puts his hands around Eren’s waist.

“Tomorrow I will take you to a good psychiatrist,” Jean tells him. “It’s obvious you need one”.

“You are the one who needs serious help!” Eren exclaims but makes no move to untangle himself from Jean’s embrace. “I am trying to tell you the truth here and you end up curling up against me like a baby”.

“Your scent is the only familiar thing in this whole room,” Jean blurts out before he could think it over. He covers his face with a hand and sighs, frustrated. “I do need a psychiatrist,” he says then. 

“You-!” 

“Please, Eren, don’t mock me right now and let’s be serious for once,” Jean says ignoring the way Eren’s breathe hitches. “Let me think over what you said. I trust you, I know that much. I trust you”.

Eren stops talking. 

Jean doesn’t know how end up sleeping tangled up together, but he doesn’t mind Eren’s weight on him. It feels reassuring to have him there, and for once he has no need for a cigarette. The plaster doesn’t resemble a sky, and he doesn’t hear the rustling of branches in the wind.

He dreams, but this time he knows he is not making it up in his mind. It’s a memory, he is so certain he wants to cry.

_“You were going to die,” Jean spats pointing his finger on Eren’s wounded chest._

_“And you were going to get eaten!” Eren growls back. “I was going to make it on my own!”_

_“No, you weren’t, you suicidal bastard! That’s why we planned things out as we did! So no one was going to be alone! You had back up -me- and decided to just blow all our plans up just because!”_

_“I wasn’t-“_

_“Jean, Eren, don’t fight,” Armin says._

*

_“I have a neuroenhancer type of potion that might help, but I am still working on it since I need someone to test it out on,” Hange says showing them the little bottle she is holding in her right hand._

_“Neuroenhancer?” Eren asks taken aback._

_“Basically it enhances the drinker’s ability to perceive the world around him. In other words, the mind’s ability to see, feel, smell and sense its surroundings. This is multiplied by thirty percent by drinking the potion, although it could reach a peak of thirty-five percent when the tester has really good brain cells. We don’t know much about how the mind works, so I suppose it can even influence the subconscious state of mind and its telepathic abilities. That means the drinker might be able to “hear” a fellow’s soldier’s thoughts. Anyway, what I wanted to achieve is for the drinker to be able to perceive every different change in demeanor, every trace of fear on his companion and act accordingly. The radius between the two drinkers is just a couple of feet, and that’s not really useful in battle, but I am sure that I can broaden that by increasing the melting point of-!” Hange is saying with her usual cheery tone of voice, but Armin interrupts her._

_“I see,” Armin says. “So two soldiers, or more, can work better as a team because they will manage, in some way, to read each other body language?”_

_“That’s the basic idea, yes,” Hange concedes._

_“But you haven’t tested it out yet?” Armin asks._

_“No, not yet. I mean, I have administered it to some titans, but they just ended up staring at me much hungrier than before. I don’t think we will be able to get much information by getting in their mind. Although, now that you mention it-!”_

_“Forget titans,” Jean exclaims. “I’ll try it out. I want to be able to save this idiot’s ass before he passes out of energy next time we go on a mission! I am sick and tired of him not talking when he needs help”._

_“I don’t need help!”_

_“Shut up, fucker,” Jean snaps and grabs the bottle from Hange’s hands._

_“It could have serious repercussions,” Hange warns him but doesn’t try to take the bottle back. “Moreover, I wonder if the effects are going to be completely different between a human and a titan shifter like Eren”._

_“I am human, I’ll be your human guinea pig,” Jean says._

_“No, Jean,” Eren complains, but Jean has already gulped down the potion before anyone could take the bottle away from him. Hange looks at him curiously, she observes his every move and change of color on his face, but Jean feels perfectly fine._

_“So? What should it do?”_

_“How do you feel?” Armin asks, preoccupied._

_“Good,” Jean replies but then furrows his eyebrows. “The wall is moving”._

_“Your eyes are adjusting to the enhanced synapses in your brain,” Hange explains._

_“I didn’t understand a thing you said, but okay”._

_“Eren, you should drink it too”._

_“No, I’ll wait for him to drop dead first”._

_“Very funny, Eren” Jean says and that’s the last thing he says._

Everything turns black.

Jean wakes up.

Eren is sleeping comfortably besides him, drooling on his shoulder and muttering something incomprehensible under his breath. Jean thinks it’s gross. 

“Wake up, fucker,” he swears and shoves him away from him. When Eren grabs him by the arm to keep himself from falling, Jean almost finds him cute. He laughs, and Eren insults him and crawls back to bed next to him. It shouldn’t feel that good, but it does.

Jean remembers his dream. Still, he is not sure of what to make of it anymore. He is Jean Kischstein, but is it true that this world doesn’t exist? That it’s all in his head?

“It’s weird to see you so serious,” Eren comments and puts his head on Jean’s spread out arm. Eren’s hair tickle, but Jean doesn’t want to move. 

“You drank the potion in the end?” Jean asks instead staring up at the ceiling above him. 

“You remembered?”

“Tiny bits”. 

“Good!” Eren looks excited and he bolts up in a sitting position kicking Jean in the shin in the process. Jean pushes him away from him with his feet but Eren is too happy to care. “Now that’s all settled we can go back!”

“Who says I want to go anywhere with you?” Jean exclaims in an angry bark.

“You can’t be serious?”

“I am!” Jean exclaims, “I live here! This world is… is… so boring that I like it! I can’t believe that you are saying it’s not real. It can’t be a dream. I mean, look at this!” he shouts and lifts his bruised hand. “This fucking hurt!”

Eren stares at him.

“I can feel you,” Jean continues. “How do I know this is not the real world and my dreams are something from another reality? Shit, that makes no sense, but whatever. I like it here. We can be young and carefree!” 

Eren looks as if he has been slapped in the face, but Jean means it. He can’t distinguish right from wrong. What’s real, what’s fake? He is still not sure of what to make of it, and Eren is here, but it might be a vision. Mark is real, right? Mark is his friend. He should talk to him, he is the voice of reason. Mark, Mark, Mark…

It’s Marco.

Marco is here.

“Shit,” Jean says but Eren looks at him, uncomprehending. “Just leave, Eren”.

“But!” Eren tries to retort, but Jean almost hits him with a magazine he finds under his bed, and Eren takes his clue to leave.

“You are an idiot if you think you can be happy in this world, if that’s what your whole speech was about”. 

“Just leave!” Jean exclaims and Eren makes to open his door when Jean’s mum opens it for him.

“What’s all this ruckus?” she screeches and bites her lips when he sees the two and the unmade bed behind them. Her eyes fall on the magazine in Jean’s hand and she raises an eyebrow in question.

Eren stares at her, and Jean too looks like a deer caught in a head-light. 

“I get it,” Eren says and he looks so sad and alone, that Jean wants nothing more than push himself out of bed and hug him from behind. Yet he is still too angry with everything to do something of the sort. 

“John, do you want to tell me something?” Jean’s mother says and Jean blushes.

“I am sorry, madam,” Eren excuses himself and quickly leaves.

.

“Who was that?”

“A friend”.

“A friend you sleep with?”

“No, he was just an asshole that doesn’t have a home and spent the night here. Ma, don’t be ridiculous”.

“Right, right”.

* * *

Every time they meet, Jean and Eren end up fighting. Sometimes they ignore reality entirely and start bickering over something futile, especially when Armin and Mark are in close proximity. Sometimes Eren follows Jean back home and they start insulting each other on their way there, blaming each other for being so stupid (“Because we have to go back!” “Yes, but not yet!” or “It’s not true, nothing is true!” “How can you be so sure?”), and getting nowhere with their fighting. Sometimes fists and kicks are involved, sometimes they just don’t talk to each other anymore. They can’t communicate. Their situation is complicated, and it’s something they need to cooperate out of, but nothing works. Jean is stubborn, Eren is twice as much. 

Eren never really says that Jean is wrong for wanting to stay. 

Jean doesn’t know what to make of that.

One day, on his way back to his ma after college (as if going to college makes any sense at this point), the world starts shaking. Jean sees the road open up right in front of his eyes, while the cars and the pedestrians walk along the crack as if nothing is the matter. The black void that opens up down to his feet is terrifying, but then everything is silent again. In a blink of an eye everything is back to normal, and this time Jean remembers it the next day, and the day after that.

Jean doesn’t know what to make of that either. 

It’s like this world is slowly crumbling down, and he realizes that maybe, as much as it pains him to say it, Eren is right. Eren is right. Eren.

Still, it’s so quiet here.

So quiet.

* * *

Jean wants to talk to Marco.

No, actually he doesn’t. He just wants to never let him go. In the beginning, Jean ignores him, but then this is Marco, and he can’t do that to him. This Mark doesn’t know why Jean feels hunted just by looking at him. He doesn’t know he is just a figment of Jean’s imagination. Or a memory. Or whatever he is.

Sometimes Jean is afraid of touching him.

Once he grabs him by the arm and feels the muscles under his hands tense at the sudden contact. Mark is alive here. He is alive. 

Jean wants to talk to Marco. Jean doesn’t want to leave his side.

He invites him everywhere: to dinner, to the movies, to the arcade, to the park… he wants to live like a teenager next to him. He wants to see him smile again and again and again.

“What’s wrong?” Mark (Marco, it’s always been him) asks one day, as they walk around in the park. “You’ve been quieter than usual lately, and it’s starting to freak me out”.

“Sorry,” Jean says. 

“Is it because of Eren?” Marco asks, worried. “You two are fighting a lot, lately. I thought you were friends”.

“We are,” Jean says without thinking and he is surprised by his own words. “Anyway,” he blushes, “it’s not about him”.

“No?”

“Can we sit down a moment?” Jean asks and Mark nods as Jean leads him to one of the benches. The sky is blue, and Jean can hear branches rustling in the wind. He doesn’t know if the sound comes from inside his mind or from the trees surrounding them anymore. 

(But we are in my mind anyway, aren’t we?)

“What’s wrong, Jean?”

“There is something I need to tell you,” Jean starts but he doesn’t know what to say. There are a lot of things he doesn’t know, apparently. 

“You know you can talk to me about everything, Jean”. 

“I know, and I missed that so much in these last years it makes me want to scream”.

“What?”

“Nothing, forget about it,” Jean mutters. 

“I lost a friend some years ago,” Jean finally admits and he doesn’t have the courage to look up at Marco. 

“I am so sorry”.

“Yeah, he was my best friend,” Jean says.

“Was it an accident?” Marco asks.

“No, he was murdered”.

Marco stills.

“That's terrible”.

“He was so kind, he was such a good friend… he didn’t deserve to die like that. I kind of blame myself for it. I should have been there for him, but I wasn’t. If I were…”

“You don’t know, Jean”.

“I feel responsible. He had all his life in front of him. He had so many things he could have done! I feel like he blames me for his death, that he hates me…”

“I am sure he knew that he meant the world to you,” Marco interrupts him and Jean finally looks up. Marco is smiling sweetly at him. “Don’t blame yourself. You have nothing to do with his death. I am sure that, if he knew you are alive and well today, he would have sacrificed himself right all over. He loved you, I am certain. You are a good man, Jean, don’t forget this”.

“Do you think he would have forgiven me?” Jean asks, his voice just a tiny whisper.

“Forgive you for what?” Marco asks and looks sincerely shocked. “For being such a goodhearted idiot?”

“I am a coward. You expect too much of me, Marco”.

“If you were a coward, you wouldn’t be here,” Marco reasons. 

Jean remains silent.

“Jean, I love you, you have always been my best friend. You are not to blame for everything bad that happens in the world. You have people that need you, people you need to live for. Your friend didn’t deserve to die, but as long as he sees you alive and happy, he won’t be hunted by his own terrible death. He can rest in peace”.

Jean looks at him, gulps down, and takes a big breath while Marco smiles. If this is all in his head and he is imagining it, then those words are just another interpretation of Jean’s own thoughts. Yet there is something Jean can’t really put his finger on, because it feels like Marco is indeed speaking, is indeed there, has indeed forgiven him. If it had been Jean’s imagination, if he were the one to unconsciously pull the strings of this imaginary world, then Marco would have told him he should hang himself. That’s what he would have liked to hear, not Marco being so forbearing. 

Could it be that this world is not just a dream? Is it possible that Marco is indeed here, but has forgotten who he is? Or maybe Jean is just hallucinating; did he manage to summon his long lost friend in some way? Maybe this is the purgatory, a step before heaven or hell, and Marco has just come to visit him. Whatever. Right now, he doesn’t care. Marco feels real, and that feeling is incomparable.

“I miss him a lot”.

“He misses you too,” Marco replies. “But it’s not your time to meet each other again yet”.

Jean suddenly breaks down crying.

* * *

They don’t know why they start fighting this time, but it’s bad. Thinking back on it, they must have started punching each other over something completely stupid, just to let out some stamina. This time Jean follows Eren to his dorm, like a firelight drawn to light. Eren says something, Jean says something back, they lift their hands and forget who threw the first punch.

They both know who throws the last.

Jean holds his whole body up on one elbow and looks down at Eren sprawled under him, exhausted. The other’s green eyes stare up at him, brimmed with something that Jean can’t recognize, but his heart does speed up as soon as he sees it. Eren is panting and Jean can feel the other’s chest rising and falling under his hand. 

“Don’t get too excited for losing,” Jean says smirking, and Eren’s lips stretch a little upwards.

“And you don’t get too excited for winning”.

“So you do admit defeat,” Jean teases him but makes no move to stand up. Eren doesn’t either. 

“I can feel your groin. It’s freaking me out”.

“Then push me away,” Jean whispers, and Eren lifts his arm towards him, but instead of shoving Jean off of him, he just runs his hand though the other’s hair.

“Do you even wonder what would have happened, if things had been different?” Jean asks and he is not sure why he especially chooses those words. Eren takes his hand away, and the sudden loss of contact is like a bucket of freezing water thrown over his head. It hurts.

“Do you mean in this world or in ours?” Eren asks, and Jean is still too confused to separate the two. 

“In my dreams, I don’t like you all that much,” Jean says. 

“I know,” Eren says.

“But I do trust you”.

Eren doesn’t reply.

“Do you even wonder then?” Jean prompts.

“Sometimes, yes,” Eren says. “We would have probably ended like this,” he admits blushing slightly and waving at the air between them. Jean feels his elbow ache but he doesn’t want to change position. He wants to be able to see Eren spread like this a little bit more, feel the heat radiating from the boy directly against his torso, he wants a lot of things.

“You think?”

“I don’t know,” Eren spats suddenly angry. “I was a little bit too overwhelmed by the titans, Levi, and all that shit to think about it seriously”.

“Me too, damn it,” Jean says and finally moves away. Eren scowls and stands in a sitting position, his arms brushing against Jean ever so slightly. 

“We have to go back,” Eren says. “I came all the way in your fucking mind to take you back with me. Isn’t that proof enough that something might have been between us?”

“Shit, Eren, who knows. Maybe you just miss someone to hit you,” Jean spats.

“Yes, maybe I do. You do hit on me quite a lot, right?”

Jean snorts.

“If you haven’t been a suicidal idiot, we wouldn’t be here”.

“You wanted to test that potion out!” Eren exclaimed. “How’s that my fault?”

“I don’t want you to die, shithead! Is it that hard to comprehend?” Jean spats back. 

“I am going to die anyway, whether you like it or not,” Eren says. “I am going to die if that means our world is gonna be finally titan- and bastard-free”

“You have us,” Jean says. “You are not going to die”.

“Yes, I have you protecting my ass, don’t I?” Eren screams. “And look where that led you? You took Hange’s advice and drunk a potion that put you in a coma”.

“If I am such a bother, you should have let me die,” Jean says. Eren screams in his hands and suddenly pulls Jean closer to his face. Their noses bump against each other and Jean bites down a swearword. 

“Were you trying to kiss me or break my head?”

“Both,” Eren admits angrily. “I so want to break your fucking head right now”.

“Then do it properly,” Jean says. “This might be a dream, but that stone you call forehead does hurt when you shove it under my nose”.

“Fuck you, Jean, fuck you,” Eren swears.

“Not if I fuck you first”.

Eren stills.

“Fuck it,” Jean says and Eren bursts out laughing. It’s so sudden, that Jean feels his own lips turn upwards in a smile. He looks at Eren and feels his chest warm up at the sight. Eren is shaking from laugher, and Jean can’t help laughing too. He wants to lean down and put his lips above Eren’s smirk. He wants to know what he tastes like, what he missed out so far, he wants to run a finger over the other’s wounded knuckles.

He does nothing of the sort.

“What?” Eren asks noticing the way Jean is looking at him.

“Nothing,” Jean says and stands up. He stretches out his arm to help Eren stand on his feet as well, and his heart skips a beat when Eren’s fingers intertwine with his. 

* * *

Jean asks Eren and Armin to go to the movies with him and Marco the next day. Armin accepts, Eren just look up at him as if he completely lost his mind.

“Did you forget again?” Eren asks shooting a glance at Marco and Armin talking about what movie they should watch some couple of steps ahead of them.

“God, no, Eren!” Jean exclaims, laughing. “I just wanted to do something normal together for once” he confesses, albeit unwillingly. 

“Oh”. 

“Don’t _oh_ me,” Jean snaps and walks over to where Marco is waving at them. Eren stares at his retreating back, his green eyes filling up with pity, and Jean wants to slap that emotion away from his face.

They watch a movie. They eat pop-corn. Armin starts complaining about the inaccuracies and the plot holes as soon as the step out of the movie theater. They laugh and go grab something to eat. Eren too forgets about this not being real. It’s easy to forget, but Jean tries to hold on to that thought. Like this, he is cherishing it even more. He looks at Marco laughing and ordering a second burger and wonders once more how is that possible.

If it’s a figment of his imagination, how can everything look so real? Still, it doesn’t matter.

They walk around in the park and Eren splashes him as soon as they reach the fountain. Jean grabs him and pushes him in the water. Armin and Marco laugh. 

They go to get an ice-cream soaking wet. Jean is not afraid of catching a cold and smiles when Marco dots on him and tells him they should go back and get some dry clothes for them to wear. Eren is staring at him, and Jean notices that the look has changed from piteous to something equally disturbing.

“Well?” He prompts.

“Nothing,” Eren replies.

When Eren blurts something about needing the bathroom and wanting Jean to accompany him, Jean is only too stunned to complain. Eren grabs his arm and drags him away from Marco and Armin, and when they turn around the corner and are out of the other’s line of sight, he slams Jean against the wall and smacks their mouths together. It lasts a second.

“What the hell,” Jean complains and grabs Eren by the arm before he can walk away. “What was that for?”

“Nothing, forget it,” Eren says. Jean lifts his hand and runs his thumb against Eren’s cheek.

“You are a terrible kisser,” he teases him and leans down. Their lips brush against each other, Eren opens his mouth, bites Jean’s lip softly, Jean moans and pulls Eren closer. He runs his tongue against Eren’s lower lip, and his heart skips a bit when the other boy grabs him by the nape of his head to deepen the kiss even more. It’s not possible to get any closer than this, but it’s like they try to anyway, as if their final goal is to melt into one.

When they go back to Marco and Armin, they pretend nothing is wrong.

If Jean’s look over Eren’s way is fonder than usual, no one notices. 

If Eren’s smiling a little bit more often than usual, no one comments.

When they part ways, Eren follows Jean to his house. Jean kisses him again and Eren trails his nose over Jean’s jaw. It’s overstimulating. Eren’s chest and stomach are pressed on Jean’s body, and Jean hates the layers of clothing standing in the way. When Jean leans down and kisses Eren on the neck, he swears he is going to die from the heat. 

“See you tomorrow,” Eren asks pushing him slightly away. “When you are ready?”

“Why don’t we just talk it out in my fake-room?” Jean asks and beams when Eren laughs.

“Okay,” Eren says and leans for another kiss. Now that they started, they can’t stop. It’s difficult to stop wanting to touch each other. It’s like when they wanted to punch each other’s smirk away, but this time it hurts much more to let go.

.  
.

“Is this all in my mind?” Jean asks staring down at the picture on the wall in front of him. 

“I don’t know,” Eren says. “It seems to be too well thought over to have been created by you”.

“I resent that”. 

“It’s true”.

“Asshole”.

Eren laughs.

“I brought Armin here, though,” Eren says. “Or, at least, I think I did. Armin is my voice of reason, like Marco was… is yours. I mean, it makes sense, right? No one else is here, but them. Oh, and your mum, obviously. We are here because of the effects of that potion. They didn’t drink it. Armin didn’t and Marco-!”

“Marco is dead”.

“I-“

“Don’t say anything stupid,” Jean warns him. “It’s hard as it is”. 

“This world is ridiculous,” Eren changes subject. “I mean, most of the things you can find here are unthinkable in our own dimension, if we can call it that. If you have indeed created this, then you do have a fervid imagination. What’s funny, though, is that I know what everything is and how it’s called. As soon as I stepped here, I blended in immediately”.

“Just like in dreams, where you instantly know what’s going on”.

“Yeah”.

“I’ll miss this world’s coffee, though, it tastes great”.

“So you want to go back?” Eren asks, his eyes widening with hope. Jean clicks his tongue.

“Of course I want to go back,” Jean says. “You are humanity’s last hope, so I can’t keep you here forever. Moreover, you need me, or else you are going to start bawling your eyes out and that’s just gross”.

“You are an asshole”.

“The others must be worried about you”.

“Do you still have a crush on Mikasa?” Eren asks suddenly.

“Was I so obvious?” Jean asks smirking, and Eren scowls. “Anyway, she chose you, didn’t she?”

“That didn’t work out, and you know it,” Eren says. 

“Why, I wonder”. 

“Anyway, you didn’t answer my question”.

“Are you afraid I am going to throw myself in her arms as soon as we get out of here?” he asks but before Eren can rebut, Jean continues: “No, I won’t”.

“Why not?” Eren asks and Jean rolls his eyes.

“Because, Eren, it would appear that I have a problem, and that I prefer angry little fuckers over sexy ladies”.

“You looked so happy with Marco,” Eren says. 

“Are you jealous of the dead now, seriously?”

“No, I am just saying,” Eren states avoiding the other’s eyes. “Mikasa… Marco… they make you happy. We just end up fighting all the time”.

“Well, I know other ways to let off some steam”.

Eren laughs, and Jean moves closer to him.

“Do you think we will remember any of this, when we get back?” Jean asks then and stares as Eren takes his hand absentmindedly and starts playing with Jean’s fingers. 

“I don’t know”.

“Do you want to?” Jean asks.

“Yeah…” Eren breathes, and Jean kisses Eren’s shoulder before moving up to the back of his ear. 

“I wish I wasn’t in love with you,” Jean confesses.

“Are you?” Eren asks, caught completely off-guard, and Jean doesn’t speak. Eren turns around and puts his hands on Jean’s cheeks, pulls him closer and kisses him passionately, in the only way Eren can. Angrily, devouring, as if he lets Jean go, the world is going to end. Jean wishes he didn’t love him.

If he didn’t, then he would have never drunk that potion.

If he didn’t, he would have let the titan eat him and get this over with.

If he didn’t, he would have done a lot of things. He would probably be in the Military Police Brigade right now. 

Jean kisses Eren just as angrily, because with Eren nothing is simple. You must be constantly alert, you must constantly fear for the other’s life, because when Eren has something in mind, he is willing to die to obtain it, but won’t let anyone sacrifice themself for him. They resemble each other in a way, and Jean loves every inch of him.

Jean takes his shirt off and Eren starts unbuttoning his own shirt in a frenzy. They both are so clumsy in what they are doing, it’s ridiculous, but Jean wants to feel skin and he doesn’t care if it looks ugly. Eren helps him out of his pants and kisses his chest, his stomach, straightens up again to kiss him on the mouth. Jean grabs him and pulls him violently on the bed behind him. 

This is better than cigarettes and coffee.

Jean still wants to get out of that world, but for the first time since he stepped in it, he feels as if this is the only thing that makes sense and makes him want to stay. Eren sprawled under him, scratching his back with his nails, needy for contact. Jean obliges him all too willingly. 

Somewhere in the distant a couple of buildings crumble down. Armin makes a step, then he is no longer there. He is no longer needed. A bridge collapses. Jean and Eren don’t have a lot of time on their hands, but they make the most of it.

* * *

“How do we get back?” Jean asks. The house is completely silent. His mother is no longer around, as if she has disappeared forever. 

Eren furrows his eyebrows. 

“I don’t know,” he answers. 

“Wait,” Jean declares suddenly. “Do you remember when that car hit me and you said that I disappeared afterwards?”

“Yeah?” Eren asks, dumbfounded, but his eyes widen up in understanding a moment later. “You almost died in this world!”

“Yes,” Jean says. “I told you I saw you lying next to me, remember?” 

“You went back for a couple of minutes”.

“We have to die in order to wake up,” Jean states. 

“Okay,” Eren says, “but what if it doesn’t work?” 

Jean doesn’t know how to respond to that.

“Fine, it means it doesn’t matter,” Eren says as if answering his own question. “If this world keeps disappearing, we are going to die anyway”.

“If it does work, do we…” Jean starts but doesn’t know how to process his own thoughts.

“As long as there is a we,” Eren says.

“Good, then next time don’t make me furious by trying to be a hero, okay?”

“Fine,” Eren spats.

They choose the tallest building still around. They are facing certain death. Jean grabs Eren’s hand and makes a step closer to the edge, facing the asphalt waiting under him. Eren makes a step closer to him.

“See you on the other side,” Jean jokes and Eren scowls. They jump together. 

***

Jean slowly opens his eyes. His head aches, and he groans loudly lifting a hand to his aching eyes. He is thirsty, hungry and he desperately needs to pee, but forgets all about it as soon as he hears someone scream his name.

“Jean!” 

Jean looks up and sees Armin towering above him. The blond man turns his head and calls for someone, but Jean’s whole attention is on Eren lying next to him with his eyes open.

“Eren?” he asks tentatively, and Eren turns to face him. 

“See you on the other side, right?” Eren asks, his voice raspy. Hange barges in, followed by Mikasa, who looks ready to cry. Jean is still looking over Eren, who slowly sits up.

Jean thinks he is beautiful.

Beautiful, batshit crazy, fucking gorgeous Eren. 

There is no denying it. He loves him. 

He loves him, and he is so glad to be here, by his side, in this world. He has not time to tell him, though, as Hange starts bombarding them with questions. Mikasa and Armin try to stop her, but it’s no use. She is curious to know what happened, she wants to annotate their symptoms and asks them to describe to her how they feel. They have been knocked out four days, she tells them. They have been completely still the whole time, and the only indication they were alive had been their heavy breathing. Their respiratory rate, she informs them, has been a little higher than average. 

Jean doesn’t really care about that. He just wants to grab Eren and kiss him. What’s more, Eren looks like he wants to kiss Jean right back.

They will, eventually.

One day, their companions will tell them they move more in sync than they used to do in the past, as if they can read each other’s body language. They will tell them that even their bickering is much less vicious. When one of the two will seriously think of hurting himself in order to save the other and blow the element of surprise they have planned out so carefully, it will be the first time since they came back that they will fight for real. They will not talk for days and their friends will not know how to reconcile the two. One day, Connie will exclaim: “Gross!” when Eren will casually peck Jean on the lips before leaving for a mission. One day, Jean and Eren will be looking at the stars and plan a life together when everything will be over. “You are so mushy,” Eren will tease him. 

But right now Jean doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future. He doesn’t care. As long as Eren smiles at him like that, he doesn’t care.


End file.
